I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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