I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
