Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
