well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
