I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
