I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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