I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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