You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
