I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
