i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Randomize