I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
