Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
