HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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