apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
