I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize