Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We smell like vodka and hangover
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