Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
