New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She's the barista slut.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
try to milk me bitch
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
