I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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