I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
