my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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