When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize