My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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