it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
