she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
