I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
