I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
