Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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