So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize