3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
