Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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