he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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