There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
