I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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