Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
