i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
