her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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