i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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