I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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