I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
