Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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