sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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