Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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