two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
