a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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