wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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