Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
