That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
