life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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