Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
