If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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