he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
