dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
