Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
