you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
