he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
