Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
