I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
