I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
