I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Randomize
