I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
