Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
