Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
